I am writing my story today in hope that wherever you are geographically or emotionally you will see there is hope.
I am a mum of 2 children & I am married to a wonderful man. Once upon a time this was an impossible dream. I spent a long time in the fog an eternity being blanketed by a weight that was so heavy I thought I would be squashed.
My “father” & “mother” (terms I cannot use) were toxic & beyond words I can convey here. He “the sperm donor” was drug addled & mentally unwell. He had her “the incubator” walking the streets at 16. He had fantasies of an empire built on drugs & prostitution. She just wanted to escape the mundane.
At 19 she fell pregnant with me & her life didn’t skip a beat. She walked the streets until she was unable to “pick up” anymore. I was born they attempted some semblance of normalcy. I have no idea why since the damage was already done. He was a wife beating misogynist & she was a prescription drug addict they were a match made in heaven. I grew older and as I did I watched him beat her senseless usually over trivial shit like make up or clothing. She was called every name under the sun from slut to whore & words I prefer not to write. He would grab her hair and smash her head against a coffee table & scream. When he screamed he sounded like a woman, like a banshee. He had guns, so many weapons & he was always paranoid that people were after him. He often would snap & have her & I sit in the lounge room like a hostage situation. We couldn’t speak we weren’t allowed to go to the toilet or get a drink. “Sit fucking there you pair of Cunts”. That’s all I was, a female worthy of denigration every day over and over. One day 8 days before my 8th birthday she went to work & never came home. I thought the worse immediately that he had finally killed her. Far from that she had left. She had been putting money away over a period of time & sneaking clothing out to start her new life WITHOUT ME. She was gone & I was left to deal with the fallout & my life was never the same. I didn’t know that he was a paedophile I didn’t know he killed people for a living. He soon started to show another side I never knew, he was deranged and a monster. He took trips over seas to buy children to unleash his wrath on little girls & boys who’s parents where willing to sell their children for a premium price. I was raped and sold to his friends I too had a dollar value. How do you become a parent the Emotional Assassin. How do you look your child in the eye & know that you are responsible for their demise. I cannot fathom it, I never will. He went on to abuse me for long enough that I bear physical scars to this day. The mind can heal but the body cannot they say it’s the reverse but I beg to differ. I have been cut with razors had my hands bound with cable ties & to this day shudder at the sight of them. Throughout the years that he defiled my life he also put me on a path of self destruction. I took so many drugs, drugs to make me sleep usually. I loved Mogadon, Valium pretty much every drug that had a sedative effect. I got into trouble with the law, so much so that now I have a criminal record. I am not proud of that & I wish that I could go back & change so much but that isn’t the way life works is it. I became an alcoholic at 14 & spent time in hospital with alcohol induced ulceration. I was on the downhill run hoping to die & nobody was there to stop me. One day whilst in a local psych hospital I was sitting feeling sorry for myself & I had visitors come to see me. I have a family I know that have been around since before she left. My aunt & uncle (not biological) had come down to check on me & while they were there in the back of my head I had a thought churning over and over. “I have to tell them I have to tell them”, I owe them that much. You see nobody knew about his abuse as he had threatened to take my life and those around me & I believed it. The sun was right above me & you know that feeling you get when the back of your head feels that sensation like fire mixed with perspiration. Right then I thought “Fuck you I am going to tell them” & I did. The words flowed out like a verbal purge of shame, guilt & so much anger. Within weeks they had me seeing a specialist detective who dealt with adults that had been abused as children. I bit the bullet so to speak & made him accountable for his years of mistreatment & it felt good. Like I had learned to breathe again or walk with crutches. I felt liberated & powerful but most of all I felt HUMAN. I could walk down the street & not fear corners or people coming towards me. I look at others without feeling watched & I could speak without fear of retribution. There is so much more to my story & it is very hard to write it all in one go but little by little on days when my thoughts are my own I can write. These days I count everyday a blessing & when I look at my two beautiful children I know that I lived & survived for a greater purpose. That is to watch my children grow to give them love to see them accomplish whatever they desire & most of all to protect them at all cost.
In the end we all have the ability to overcome our demons & there is hope. The answer isn’t in a television show, it isn’t in a book & it isn’t in a bottle. The only person you can look to is yourself. Thank you for reading my story.