Tomorrow I am supposed to go back to my therapist after a very long break. I hate spewing forth my inner most fears and worries but it’s a situation I cannot avoid. I have spent far too long in the wilderness alone with my shitty past. My therapist is nice enough as far as therapists go but inside I still have little trust. Sleep lately has been in disaray, my fears about safety are at an all time high and for some reason every other person still feels the need to ask my advice on shit. Smut Man calls me the Listen Lady after an episode of the Simpsons. All these people all their worries and they ring me WHY? Some days I want to yell at them and say “work your own shit out”. Sadly that is not in my nature, and fuck knows how I became so caring with the two morons who raised me. The therapist wants me to attend group therapy,oh for fucks sake I cannot sit and listen to others especially total strangers. She says to me that I am a survivor and that I have come a lot furthur than a majority of other abuse victims on my own. I had to survive, I had to make sure that no matter how low I became I could pull myself up through the shitty hell hole they put me in. Therapy is a form of torture but a torture I need. I don’t feel like I am firing on all cylinders lately, I am counting down the days until the kids are on school holidays. Then I can switch into slow mode.No rushing around no worrying about lockdowns & fuckwits bullying them. We can holiday and we can just be us. No putting on the happy mummy/daddy faces at the school when all we really want to do is avoid the inane conversations and prattle about school yard politics. Our son hates it so much that we have and still are considering home schooling our little girl loves school but hates the inner sanctum of the bitchy tween scene. We are the kind of parents who don’t bullshit our kids.They know the lay of the land.They know there are sick fucks out there and we have made it very clear on the virtue of self awareness. Being alert and knowing your surroundings. They know I see a therapist because of my childhood.They are by no means cotton wooled though.The most unbelievable thing is becoming a parent and god help anyone who hurts our babies.I have always been able to achieve good grades and succeed in any profession I have chosen, but the best achievement so far is to bring these 2 wonderful souls into the world.Everyday they amaze me, they are smart, funny and glorious.Yes they make me angry and yes they know how to push my buttons but at the end of the day I know that they are my legacy. I check on them at night, just like when they were babies, I sneak a kiss from our son as he will not let us kiss him on the face any other time, I watch our little girl fast asleep, I kiss her and always without fail tell them I love them even when they are asleep. I would be lost without them.
June 6, 2011
Give me strength & an insight into my little world.